armyofsnails: (Default)
New name, new icon.

The berries are blood red, pretty and poisonous. On a recent country walk I was rather taken by them but didn't know what they were until I looked them up a little while ago. Turns out, they are called bittersweet nightshade or simply bittersweet. Makes me think of a lampshade and/or of my current state of mind. Either way, it'll do for now.
armyofsnails: (time snail)
I've said previously that I have no regrets about anything I've done, but it's not true. I have many, and am willing to admit it now. My biggest regret is that I didn't get certain things in the open as soon as they emerged, that I sat on them allowing them to fester until the end result was simply appalling.

I am an idiot. An indecisive, scared, angry idiot.

I could have saved myself two years of heartbreak and mental anguish simply by being honest with myself and others. Firstly, I shouldn't have flattered myself that I was doing the right thing when in reality I was helping no-one, and secondly I should have got rid of my anger and my issues more efficiently, which would have allowed me to keep certain promises I've made.

I'm fine. I'm just older, wrinklier, more cynical, more bitter and more broke than I could have been. Am I smarter? Doubtful. Unless hindsight counts.
armyofsnails: (FUBAR)
All I want to do now is sit in my den with incense burning and moody music on full blast, trying to pretend that the rest of the world doesn't exist.

Sadly no such luxuries for me.

...

Dec. 22nd, 2008 08:11 pm
armyofsnails: (zen snail)
Saw Steve after work. Left him some money and a few beers. He is not going to Shropshire until after Christmas. Seems his whole family is at a total loss, and they have no idea what to do with themselves. I asked whether there was anything I could help with, but there didn't appear to be. I said that if he thought it appropriate I could at least send flowers for the funeral once the date for that was known. He said it would be much appreciated. Then we hugged and I cried. Steve asked whether I was OK, and I said yes. Then I left.

Nothing more to say really
armyofsnails: (time snail)
Steve's mother died today.
armyofsnails: (Default)
[11:18] army of snails: anyhow I'll stop depressing you. Will get ready to go for a walk I think
[11:18] Sunil: I don't mind at all
[11:19] army of snails: my eyes are still swollen from crying which is annoying because i look like an alien
[11:19] Sunil: eh - no-one'll be around at this time
[11:19] Sunil: and if they are, as an alien, you can always abduct any witnesses

***

[12:56] army of snails: I scare small children
[12:57] Monk: hey looking like a red faced chipmunk outta get you free drinks at the bar
[12:58] Monk: and most bartenders will love it, because not every day can you get a chipmunk drunk
armyofsnails: (Default)
Steve wrote an obituary for Milo.
armyofsnails: (Default)
My cat is dead.

He got run over by a car early this afternoon. By the time I got back home the neighbours had already buried him. I spoke to our next door neighbours whose garden he crawled into just before he died. They stayed with him until the end and afterwards dug out a grave in the front garden. The man made sure the grave was fox proof and even bought some flowers from B&Q and planted them on top.

I'll never forgive myself for letting him out again. Should have kept him in the house after that fox incident...

Oh for fuck's sake, WHY did he decide to go over the road that time??? He had never done that before. NEVER. He would just sit in our back yard quite happily the whole time. The road is very quiet, too. The woman at the wheel wasn't looking where she was going.

Lots of cats live here and according to the neighbours there hasn't been an accident like this in years... Why him? Why now??

At least he didn't suffer for long... Ten minutes if that, according to the neighbours... They think his spine got broken so he probably didn't feel much pain. That's the only thing I can hope for.

I'm in fucking pieces.

I look at his full food bowl or his toys and start crying again.

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