Feb. 26th, 2015

armyofsnails: (time snail)
A few hours ago, I've learned that someone I used to know back in my hometown - a friend of a friend - had committed suicide today by throwing himself out of the window. Allegedly, because of unrequited love. He had been 37 years old.

He was a poet, a very good one at that. I used to hang around with him a long time ago. Almost 15 years back, I wrote a Livejournal entry about him and his obsession with Tom Waits. He read it and didn't like it much; I sort of apologised but kept the entry anyway. We remained in each other's peripheral vision over the years.

I'm not big on over-the-top emotion, especially one I don't feel entitled to (as I wasn't close to him). Yet, he was a friend to a number of my friends who I hold very dear. Tonight, they are all restless, distraught and disturbed, and will probably remain so for a very long time. I feel a part of their pain. I wish with all my might for this not to have happened. But it has, because life - and death - and other people - do not owe us anything. And, as I keep thinking, another man's soul is darkness.

Sometimes, tonight, I wish I believed in afterlife. But I don't, so this is all there is.
So, all I can say is, V, rest in peace.
armyofsnails: (time snail)

I was talking to A over e-mail (he is away at the moment). In response to my previous LJ entry, he said, "It is interesting how you talk about the distance and what emotions it may or may not afford you or entitle you to. However, I feel the truth is closer to when a person we know, even admire, for whatever reason, however distantly dies, it hurts, and everyone's processing of that hurt is so personal - there are few rules governing who has what rights and where."

But it's not about that. When I talk about not being entitled to emotion it's largely influenced by what I hear coming from people in situations like this. I looked at V's Facebook this morning, and it was inundated with messages of "Why?" "We love you" "You were beautiful" from people in a public display of grief, as if they were pretending that Facebook had the power to communicate with the dead. And I felt a little weird because of this. This entitlement to grief is quite the phenomenon, not just because of how easy social networks make it, but in general, in humans. And it seems to offend those who are close to the person; in this case, one of my friends said simply that "We appear to be able to love others only in death". i.e. only feel the void they leave when they are gone. It's especially poignant with suicides by people who may have done it for reasons of loneliness and alienation.

So as a one step removed person I don't feel entitled to grief. Though I feel it, still... I feel very, very sad for everyone I know who loved him and who is in pain right now.

Here it is. So weird reading it now.

(Original entry posted in 2001 - about the fictional version of V - and Tom Waits...)

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


armyofsnails: (Default)

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